There is a secret love hiding in each problem.
- James Hillman
Anxiety and distress in a relationship can lead to destructive negative cycles that may be impossible to see, let alone stop. The emotional safety of the relationship is often compromised and couples find it hard to access their skills and resources, and remember a time when they did feel safe together.
Couples often try to problem solve and fix things themselves, but find that after a few days or weeks, they're back in the old cycle of conflict. The previous ways of working out differences aren't helping much, and both partners may begin to feel defeated and defective - unable to please each other and feel loved.
I see couples therapy as a process of getting to know the destructive interactions, and address the fears and patterns at work beneath the surface. By opening new conversations in a safe space, couples can learn ways to step out of the negative cycle trap, re-build trust and intimacy, and step into a more fulfilling connection.
Couples often wait too long to seek counseling, and limp along, hoping that things will get better.
A good time to find a therapist is when:
When Should We Find a Therapist?
You want to learn skills and tools to have a good or even better marriage or relationship.
You feel stuck and what you have tried on your own is not working.
As soon as one of you thinks you need it, even if the other person doesn’t think so.
One of you feels emotionally or physically/sexually disconnected and can’t seem to change it on your own.
You fight, or withdraw, or refuse to address issues of conflict.
You think your partner is what is wrong with the marriage or relationship.
You are thinking you might be happier with someone else.